10 simple rules dating sports guy bill simmons

On to the glossary ...• 13 Levels of Losing • 20 Most Annoying Baseball Fans • 20 Rules for Being a Sports Fan • Baseball Brawls Guide • Baseball Hall of Fame Pyramid • Eight Traits for Crappy College Bowl Games • The Ewing Theory • Guidelines for Underrated Movies • The Power of HORSE • How to Make a One-Sided Fantasy Trade • How to Spot Casino Trash • How to Watch Sports With Guys • How to Win at Fantasy Football and Annoy People • NFL Playoff Gambling Manifesto • NFL Simbotics • Tremendous Upside Potential • The Unintentional Comedy Scale • The Vengeance Scale • Wet Blanket Girlfriends • Why 1984 Was the Greatest Year Ever • Yearbook Quotes for High School | Part IIHow to Drive a Woman Crazy A. the deli counter guy who only gives samples to people he deems worthy ... but once things progress and you have a conversation that includes the sentences "I thought I'd leave a couple of things here for when I sleep over" and "OK, that sounds like a good idea," then you have a girlfriend. You know how Alec Baldwin can make crappy movies for a few years, but all it takes is one good movie and you're thinking, "Alec Baldwin, I love that guy, he's great," and forget about the crappy movies? You can't keep them down for longer than 2-3 years.

ice skating judges (especially the French ones) ... the guy at Best Buy who checks receipts before you can leave the store ... You just can't.• The Bed Test When you watch sports day in and day out on the East Coast, eventually you develop an uncanny ability to correctly answer this question: "If I go to bed now, is there a chance I might miss something memorable?

Others claim that it's a Hollywood urban legend, which certainly seems possible. But you stick with her, because there's some history there, because you love her, because you keep hoping she'll turn things around to her old Cy Young form. To make matters worse, she starts calling your friends and urging them to hang out with her and the billionaire instead of you. I think he made it all the way, despite the fact that if he ever even kissed her at school, he just about went into shock. Then, all of a sudden, like Barry Bonds last year, Trichel is hooking up with two of her roommates (one female) in the first two episodes, plus she hooked up with one of the guys from 'Road Rules' on the annual 'Real World meets Road Rules' show. It's almost like Cara never existed at this point." (I couldn't agree more. You also left out any scene where two relatively unattractive characters are having a love scene -- like Billy Crystal and his wife in "City Slickers 2," Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt in "As Good as It Gets," Tony and Carmela Soprano (not a movie, but still ...

Anyway, if anyone knows the definitive answer -- and I mean, with hard-core evidence -- let me know. Now you have to hear through the grapevine how happy she is, how her sex life has never been better, how she enjoys sticking it to you every chance she gets. She even gets her own talk show and conquers her fear of performing live, becoming a Kelly Ripa-like success, learning how to come through in the clutch. As my old college roommate Jack O said last week, "I am simply not in touch with this generation anymore." Remember the glory days of "90210," when Valerie Malone stood out for being such a conniving slut? I don't think I've ever felt more uncomfortable in a room of people in my entire life. there's nothing worse), and Dudley Moore and anybody. I always thought they should create a rating for those.

My top three: 1.) Any male rape scene ever recorded; 2.) The scene in "American History X" when Ed Norton curbs the guy who tries to steal his car; 3.) Every scene from "Tango and Cash" (save for Teri Hatcher, that whole movie was awkward). Can you please explain how one of the league's best defensive players cannot defend himself against his girlfriend?

-- Ryan Sharpe, Indianapolis SG: (Giggling ...) Q: Going on your "Levels of losing" column, where would you rate an ex-girlfriend turning into a lesbian? (By the way, everyone should work in a restaurant for at least six months. Bill Simmons is a columnist for Page 2 and ESPN The Magazine.

Couldn't you just see Arnold in "The Blair Witch Project," spouting out lines like "It's not a Blair Witch!! By Bill Simmons Page 2 columnist With my "Saved Mailbag Questions" file overflowing like a port-o-john at a Holy Cross tailgate, it was time to trot out another mailbag before somebody got hurt. 26): No less than 300 readers e-mailed me about the diner scene with De Niro and Pacino in "Heat," repeating a Hollywood rumor that the legendary actors weren't actually on the set together during the filming of that scene (because of scheduling conflicts). You've been dating the same girl since college, but recently she gained an extra 20 pounds, refuses to exercise and spends her nights sitting on the sofa in jogging pants, eating Cheetos and forcing you to watch "Friends" re-runs. " (Hey, I didn't say it ...) Q: My friends and I have been debating over this one for years. Kelly wasn't even close to being on the Go-Team, at least not until college (she seemed like an award-winning student of the Miyagi Dojo in high school). Speaking of the Go-Team, I'm turning this paragraph over to Ohio reader Ben Lewis: "Isn't it amazing how quickly Cara from 'Real World: Chicago' has been replaced as the Easiest Girl in 'Real World' history by Trichel from 'Real World: Las Vegas'?If you watch the scene, they never show both guys in the same shot (either they use close-ups, or they use a camera angle coming from over someone's shoulder). Sports Guy: If this happens, I'm not even bothering with the lighter fluid and the matches ... Also, she cheats on you every so often, because she "can't control herself when she's out with her friends." And she rarely shows you any affection. She doesn't show an ounce of emotion, immediately moves on to someone else, then spends the next few months telling your friends how great the new guy is (never mentioning you at all). She hires a personal trainer, gets breast implants, bleaches her hair blonde and joins the cast of "Baywatch," looking absolutely fantastic, telling everyone who will listen, "This only happened because my boyfriend broke up with me, and I found true love." Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, she dumps that boyfriend and starts dating your absolute worst enemy, the guy you hated ever since high school who's now a multi-billionaire. How far did Zack Morris get with Kelly Kapowski (on "Saved by the Bell")? So the answer to your question probably depends on one thing: whether you accept the fact that "Saved By the Bell: The College Years" actually existed. After watching Cara's exploits last season, I thought she had set the bar too high to be passed (kind of like Mc Gwire's 70). -- Mike B., New York SG: Sounds like you just came down with a fever ... I'm going to explore the studio space with the rest of this column. First of all, Bruce's wife was a backup singer before they got married ... Believe me, nobody loves Bruce more than me -- I think he's the musical version of the Basketball Jesus, even if I wish he'd retired while he was still throwing in the high-90s -- but somebody had to bring this up.Nobody would even believe it -- it would be the most improbable TV plot of all time, even more improbable than David Silver cracking the Top 10 with "Keep it Together." All right, I'm babbling.) Q: Is it appropriate to list "General Manager/Owner, Fantasy Football" on a résumé under "work experience? Q: What is the most uncomfortable scene in movie history? I always thought the most uncomfortable scene in movie history was the sex scene in "Monster's Ball," not just because it was so graphic, but because of Halle Berry drunkenly shrieking "Make me feel good ... " Well, they should come up with graphics like "USS" (uncomfortable sex scene) and "RSMM" (random shot of a male member). Q: I read in the Indianapolis Star this morning that Ron Artest's girlfriend (and mother of a couple of his children) was arrested and charged with hitting him in the back of the head. I could literally feel the tension between her and the E-Street Band. I think someone needs to introduce a 'Whipped Care Package.' It could include a Doug Christie jersey; Bruce Springsteen's 'The Rising'; and a map of Hoover Dam for their next trip to Vegas. Bruce has made the entire E Street Band a family situation, not just Patti. I was at Springsteen's show in Milwaukee and left stunned and depressed. She shared the vocals on at least half the songs; they showed her in the split screen with Bruce through 70 percent of the show; when Bruce introduced the band, she was introduced second to last (ahead of only Clarence Clemons); and she even had her own little solo! I was eagerly anticipating the moment when Little Stevie would storm off the stage and the band would be forced to brake into 'Jazz Oddysey.' Never happened, but it would not have shocked me if it did." and then snapping the guy's neck after he tosses the map into the river? There's comedy, there's high comedy, there's transcendent comedy ... Back in my restaurant days, my friend Mark Fanning (a waiter) and me (bartender) used to play "The Arnold Game" when we were working together -- we would only communicate to one another using generic Schwarzenegger lines. Fanning would bring a drink slip to the bar and simply say, "I'll be back." Or I would tell him that a customer was behind him by saying, "Behind you! Barry Bonds (if he were injured in the NLCS this week? and Page 2 (when I quit this column to take over ESPN6). You know the pseudo-hooker from Brooklyn, the one who almost gets the Warriors in trouble with the Orphans, then inexplicably heads back to Coney Island with them? Let's just move on ...) Q: So how did you and your Dad do in the fantasy baseball league? SG: Seventh place, only because Juan Uribe, Tony Clark, Richard Hidalgo and midseason pickups Steve Cox and Javy Lopez gave us the collective Ralphie Treatment. Q: Why isn't there a video game version of "The Warriors." Think about what an injustice this is. Then again, we were the same guys who were devastated when we didn't have enough money left for Mike Cameron -- you might remember my running diary from the draft -- and he ended up hitting .220. My aforementioned buddy Jack O ended up winning the league during a dramatic closing weekend, propelled by Jeter, Soriano and Garret Anderson (this year's winner of the Brady Anderson Trophy for "Guy Everyone Had At Least Once Who Inexplicably Decided To Have a Career Year").

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  1. She's the woman behind the app's viral response to a finance bro, also known as "The Connor Letter." Here, Williamson shares what she's learned working behind the scenes at one of the most popular dating apps today.